Down Home Girlie

Somebody asked me the other day why I don't update my lj anymore. I still do, it's just that it has transformed more into a friends only journal. So if ya wanna read, just friend me!

I miss me... I guess I miss more of the old me. The music snob and bookworm/writer. I wish I could just get wrapped up in books again and read for hours on end or become completely anti-social just to finish that last chapter. I feel like I've lost so much of the "cultured me". I rarely, rarely listen to classical or jazz anymore and I wish I could borrow books from Leah like I used to, she usually had some good recommendations. I wish I could write a poem, something good, now I can never find the right words. I wonder if I can ever get those hobbies back, I'm going to try now, I'm going to lay down and read a book until I fall asleep, which hopefully won't be in 10 minutes.

And I want new glasses, maybe something with a thicker frame. I don't know, I just need something new to give my face some attitude. I need new lenses anyways, I've pretty much destroyed these ones with scratches. Anyone want to go eye-glasses shopping with me when I get home in a couple weeks? I could use a opinion that isn't my mom or sisters.

I'm pretty sure I forgot to put deodorant on today, actually, I may have put it on one pit. But, don't worry, I'm putting more on now, just in case... even though I've just spent 5 hours running back and forth in a very hot kitchen... you couldn't smell me could you? Yeap, it sure is Monday y'all.

(Don't Fear) The Reaper--Blue Oyster Cult

So, about some odd minutes ago, I get a phone call from a voice I don't recognize, but they ask for me and the lady on the other end of the phone tells me her name is Mari. And I'm thinking okay... she asks me how I am and what not and I'm still completely boggled by who this is... and then she asks me if I "was just afraid of Cindy's driving or if I was afraid to spend the weekend alone with two lesbians" OOOOOH, it hit me. This is Cindy's, Mari. I was supposed to go home with Cindy (a fellow baker who happens to be a lesbian, she's like 45 and we call her "mom") this weekend, but this morning instead of going to the library to finish my paper after lab, I took a nap. So, I backed out on the invitation to go home with her to spend the weekend in the library because I know I'll just sit in those comfy chairs and not do a thing. Here is the rest of the conversation:

Mari-"So why didn't you come for the weekend"
Me-"I didn't finish my paper"
Mari-"Why not?"
Me-"I took a nap instead of going to the library"
Mari-"Is it too hard for you guys to get up that early in the morning?"
Me-"On Friday it is" (I neglected to mention it's because today is the Friday after 420)
Mari-"Oh, well you know it's not recruitment weekend or anything, that's next month, you would have been safe"
Me-*awkward laugh* "I know, I just didn't finish my paper otherwise I would have"

So, it pretty much ended from there, she went on to say that we will meet sometime and then we said our good-byes and that was it.

This phone call lasted all of two minutes and Cindy wouldn't talk to me because none of it was her idea, this was all Mari. I can't help but keep giggling now and she called almost 10 minutes ago. Haha, crazy lesbians. I'm slightly offended that she thinks I wouldn't spend the weekend there because she assumes I'm afraid they would try and convert me. But it certainly makes me laugh. Really it does, this is the funniest thing that's happened in awhile, I need to tell more people. Kind of makes me wish I smartened up and did my work, I wonder what the weekend would have been like...

does anybody remember that poem i wrote senior year and put in the turtle? if you do and happen to have it laying around, could you write it out and give it to me? please? i need to show it to someone here and my copy of the turtle is buried away somewhere at home. i would appreciate it much!

I've gotten over feeling bad for being cocky. Because you know what? I have a good reason to be cocky, I'm good at what I do, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not going to be modest anymore. Especially when my two partners for the week don't show up and I do the work of 3 people all by myself today. So there. I'm going to be cocky, I know I'm good.

Well, he didn't have dinner with his ex, so that's a plus, right?

But then on the other hand, pretty much if you're going to put me on hold for 5 minutes and then I hang up because my hand and ear are tired of waiting and you don't call back to apologize or say goodnight, that's kind of a wicked douchebag thing to do. At least I haven't sent the completely irrational e-mail I just wrote. And no, I'm not calling back, he's the one who put ME on HOLD. He deserves it. Who knows, he may get it tomorrow I'm not quite so sleep deprived and upset. And did I mention that I put the phone by my bed to wait for him to call. When did he call? 9:30pm. I haven't been sleeping, I should have been asleep then, I should be asleep now. I have no idea whats keeping me awake. I just want to go to sleep and have a deep, dreamless sleep, just for one night.

I get told by enough people that I'm not good enough, I don't need to worry about some guy at home blowing me off. I really hate that I just cried over this. I hate him.

Are there no fucking nice guys?

So, it's been awhile since I've updated. Awhile for me at least. There has just been so much going on, so much running through my head I haven't been sleeping without a stiff drink to put me out (last night I didn't fall asleep until 12, woke up at 4:30 and tossed and turned until 5) or I just haven't been able to think straight long enough to put anything meaningful down.

Forrest is kind of driving me up the wall, he's just so confusing and contradicts himself constantly about where he sees us. I never know if he just wants to be friends and sometimes I feel like he's hinting towards more. Maybe he's just tired at night and doesn't mean what he says. Maybe I'm just filler during the day so he has an email to read and someone to talk to before he goes to sleep at night. I have no idea what he wants. And I haven't talked on the phone with him since last Tuesday, he's supposed to call tonight, he said he wants to call as long as its not too late. He says he likes being single for now, maybe we can date later, but I'm just like, I'm done with college and I'm ready for something serious you know? Anyways, yeah, boys are dumb. I wish I didn't like them. And he's having dinner at a friends tonight. He told me this when he emailed me today and the first thing I thought of was that I really hope it's not with his ex, because they've been talking more since that 5:30am phone call last week that included her drunk and crying. He says he just wants to help a friend in need, which I totally understand and I'm glad they can still be friends, thats good, but I know he's still got to be a little stuck on her. So anyways, I hope they're not having dinner together tonight. I want to ask, but I probably won't and I could be worrying over nothing. I kind of wish I didn't like him so much. I wish I didn't think about him so much either. I really hope that he's honestly as confused as he says he is and will figure out what he wants. And when he does, I hope that somehow I am what he wants.

Only 3 weeks left of classes. It's going to be crazy and hectic, especially with the job that I'm on this week, retail. I just really wish I didn't have to work with the asshole queen that feels the need to be a smartass to me at 6am. I don't like the feeling that I have to babysit someone and tell them every little thing to do. And I hate that Megan needs to be a referee between a 21 and 40 year old. We should be adults by now, but if the 40 year old fuckface isn't going to act grown up, I might as well be stubborn and not give in to the games and just be a bitch. I'm not going to do extra work just so he can get his way and feel as though he's won me over. I just cannot wait to get out of here.

Then on the other hand, when I go home, I honestly think I'm not going to have any friends. I really haven't kept in touch with anyone and those I have are still going to school or have moved on in life and aren't how I remembered them and I'm not the same person that they remember me to be. I'm leaving all my friends up here or they're going their own ways too. In a way, Forrest feels like a new beginning, we can meet new people together and maybe it won't be so scary. I just really hate this feeling that even though I'm going home to the most familiar place on earth, it's never going to be the same familiar place I remember. Everything is going to be so different. I'm just worried I'm going to get burnt out working two jobs, doing whatever odd stuff in my free time and never have a social life again. But who cares about a social life when I'm not going home to any friends. This is all so frustrating.

If any of you have actually read this far and have understood anything I've written, I commend you. And I have a huge favor to ask. Can I have a hug?

I'm down, I'm gone.

Today I've realized that just when you think you've got a handle on your life everything turns up-fucking-side down. I can't even begin to explain what's been going for the past couple of weeks, things I didn't know was going for the past couple of weeks.

Forrest is depressed and I can't be with him. I was really up in the air over whether or not I really cared for this guy, today he really let me in and confided things to me that I just didn't ever think he would. Knowing that he's not in a very good place makes me sad and I've never had such strong feelings of sympathy for someone else's pain. I thought he was just busy and I've been involved in things up here so that's why we weren't talking. But no, he hasn't been talking to anyone, until he told me today. He's been feeling horrible for around 2 weeks now, more or less and there is no way that I can make him feel better except to talk. And he doesn't really feel like talking. I just wish that I could hug him.

Steve got into the Greenbrier. If you know anything about the drunken idiot Steve who thinks he is God's gift to the pastry world and if you know that I had applied to the Greenbrier and then didn't go, I think just these few words may give some small window into how much it pisses me off. Maybe if I was a drunk/high asshole that talked circles around people that I would be able to work in a fancy resort too. I don't even want to go there anymore and it makes me furious. Bad people have all the good luck.

I've also been having second thoughts about taking a job at home. I just don't want to get stuck in the hilltowns forever. Don't get me wrong, I love my roots, but I don't need to end up a blue-collar worker all week, a drunk on the weekends like my cousins and other family that are never going to leave. I'm hoping that maybe this will be a short lived stint and then perhaps Boston, Washington or Oregon, or maybe even Europe will be relocation options.

Sam and Ashley have been up this week, I hope they come up tonight too, I would really love to talk to them. And just relax. I love my friends, especially Courtney, she's been so great the past couple of weeks after I was fighting with half the class. Sigh, only 5 weeks until graduation, that's all that matters.

I'm down, I'm gone.

Because someone actually had to ask me what +3 and -4 came out to. -1 right? Umm, yeah. Damn sped college.

I here and now, promise to forever do my laundry once a week and not let it sit for 2 weeks and have to do 4 loads of wash when I would rather be sleeping in on a Sunday.

Well, my friends, I'm pretty sure spring has arrived in the good ol' ADK. According to one of my male friend's away-message, (and no it's not the beginning of mudding season with ginormous trucks or the start of fresh logging), no this, this my friends, the following, makes it official:

"ahhh yess.. it is spring... thank the lord it is spring and the titties are out ... ummmhmmm the titties are out in all shapes and sizes.... ohhh yesss"

I have yet to do any homework this weekend. Yet, here I am distracted by lj, posting when I really don't have anything of much importance to say besides complaining of ex-friends and a decrepit back.

First of all, I'm sick of everyone taking me for granted and then when I am not able to perform at my normal level, be put down. This past week I was called lazy, immature and unprofessional. All of which there is no solid reasoning behind. The three assholes who say I am these things only thought I was lazy because I was not doing all the extra work I usually do. This is because I've pulled a muscle in my back and I did what I had to do, I was not up for anything above and beyond this week, I'm still hurting today. Some of you may know what I mean when your tailbone is in agony and you can't stand up straight but you can't bend over either, all you want to do is collapse until the pain subsides. Second, apparently I'm immature and unprofessional because I told my drunk classmate to help out when he was standing around with his thumb up his ass. I didn't even say it mean either, just a matter-of-fact sort of way. Not many people have seen me act immature and when I do, you'll sure as hell know it, so I highly suggest you don't call me immature unless you want me to be. Lastly, I don't need people to lecture me on what acting professional in the kitchen is, very few people in lab treat it like a job and if someone isn't, I'm going to call them on it. And don't tell me you're being a friend and trying to give me advice because first of all I didn't ask for it, second I don't have any problems I'm running from and friends don't lecture and attempt to put you down and put you through a guilt trip just so you can get your way. God, I hate freshman who are still stuck in high school and think cliques are important and I wish I didn't have to deal with a drunken queen everyday. There is no nice val anymore, you better be ready for the immaturity to come.

On a happy note, my cousin and his fiancee have asked me to make the cake for their wedding in September! Eek! 6 weeks isn't much time to give me practice and help from teachers and then from there I will have to ask my new boss if I can borrow the kitchen to create the masterpiece. And finally, when September arrives, I will have to get it to Westfield, from Haydenville in one piece, it's going to be a three hour drive riding the side of the road with the hazards on and me praying to God while transporting the cake. I'm excited and always up for a new challenge. 

Apparently the 'stache is back according to the front page of MSN. I'm pretty sure I've kissed more guys who had a mustache than ones without. What can I say? I love a scruffy country boy.

Only 7 weeks until graduation and then I'll be home, away from all the pettiness. Anyone want to get an apartment with me in the hilltowns?
Sigh, I suppose I should really do my homework now.

Rock & Roll

I'm not so sure if it's that great to be back, but I'm here, I'm going to class and catching up with friends. Lab has been going well, could be better and has been worse, so I guess I'm just going to keep rolling with it.

Got all my homework done tonight, just had to write a paper and write out notecards for the speech I have to give tomorrow in Food & Beverage Cost Control. Major fun, it only has to be 5 minutes though and I usually go 6 or 7, so I'm all set.

And finally, some of my extremely hard work has finally paid off. I got a JOB! Not in Virginia at the Greenbrier or at Kingsmill, not in VT at Basin Harbor and no I won't be working at the Wheatleigh either. I'm going to be spending my summer (and beyond) at the bakery Bread Euphoria at home in Haydenville. I'm practically going to be one of their head pastry chefs if you can even call me that since they're such a small operation. Sweet deal! I'm so excited and can finally feel calm and not worried about not having a job and not being able to finish the certificate.

In other good news, I was made "Rodeo Queen" on one of the Facebook groups I belong to called "Hell yeah, I'm American". That made me wicked happy, thanks Linda, I didn't know she had done that until I was just messing around on there tonight.

He called to say goodnight to me. He had a long day at work, fell asleep, woke up, called me a little after 7:30 to say he was sorry we couldn't talk because he was going back to bed, but he didn't want me to think that he had forgotten me so he had to say goodnight. Okay, thanks for letting me know. Sigh, boys, will they ever make any sense? Right now is not the time to think about it though, it is time for bed and sleep, hopefully a restful sleep and not choppy like the last two nights.

I'm down, I'm gone.

No Wheatleigh tomorrow, not going. Plans changed.

Speaking of plans I have none for the weekend because I cancelled everything I was going to do with anyone.

I really wish I didn't kiss him goodbye last night. It makes knowing that we're only going to be friends that much harder to deal with right now. But he hugged me and then what else was there for us to do? I hate him.

I just want to crawl into a hole and die.